What a beautiful face I have found in this place

asuicidalullaby @ 2007-11-18T17:51:00

2007-11-18T23:08:10Z

i'm being really selfish right now; amanda is getting involved with a guy for real. she wants to start dating him and i am really selfish and having a really hard time with it. its already making me feel like shit and taking away almost all of our time. this only started a few days ago, but he's here 24/7 even though he lives in Schenectady. he just sleeps over and they spend all day together and he meets her straight at work and comes over and then they make me feel really uncomfortable by cuddling and making out when its just the three of us. i mean the guy is nice and all but i'm just freaking out over when ryan and steve leave and she is going to spend all day and night with him and i'm going to be alone. i was so relieved that she didn't have a boyfriend because we have each other and we spent so much time together and now i'm going to be left behind. i know i'm selfish because i should be happy if he's happy but i'm so worried about being lonely. i mean she already works mon, wed, fri, and sat and i work fri and sun. like today i took off work because i'm really sick and i thought we could spend all day together but he slept over last night and stayed all day and then we were watching tv and they just got up and went into her room and now i'm sitting alone in a dark room. now i know i'm being melodramatic and really immature but i'm really upset and worried about it.

my room is a complete mess, i need to do laundry, and i have a project to work on (i also haven't showered yet today). i guess today is just a shitty day but i feel really blue :( i guess being home is coming at the perfect time.

spun

2007-10-24T22:34:05Z

it's been a while, but that seems to be the trend with this thing. i guess an entry every month or so is ok. here i am, sophomore year..it's weird to say let alone live! time goes by so fucking fast now, i hate it. before i know it i'm going to be getting ready to apply for graduation and that makes me feel sick.

anyway, this year is so different from last. i can't even explain it; my living arrangement is so different. having a common room really changes things. also living with amanda is amazing. we've become so close and i'm so glad to have her. my classes are wonderful (even though i still don't seem to do too well). being a psych major is really working out for me so far (minus statistics). i'm meeting so many new people this year. i guess i opened my mind to the kinds of people in albany and found some really amazing friends. it feels good to be so comfortable with this place; everything is so familiar and home-y. i got a really awesome bike up here and go for tons of bike rides. today is the first day it was actually cold all day and i fear it won't go backwards from here. i need a real winter coat so i don't freeze and i guess i'll have to start wearing sneakers sometimes so my toes don't fall off.

either way, i have an abnormal psych test tomorrow that i should be studying for right now so i'm going to do that. i hope everyone watches the office religiously too because i'm really fucking excited for tomorrow!

sooooooooo...

2007-07-15T22:34:02Z

things are weird when you realize that friends you were once close to are now complete strangers and make you feel like vomitting when you think about what assholes they are. oh well, i suppose the angle i have to look at it from is that i am better off without such shitheads in my life right? eh, rhetorical question.

anyway, work is going amazingly. it sucks how many hours i put in, but i love being around the horses so much. coming back to this whole lifestyle made me realize how i need horses in my life always and how from this point on i want to make it a priority. it just sucks because at the end of an 8 hour day im so mentally restless but physically beat; its a bad combination bc i end up getting so stir crazy but fall asleep if i go out.

last night ryan and i went to a spontaneous show in the city. it was a jam band called the string cheese incident. he got the tickets on a whim because his dad's friend was selling them so neither of us had heard them really. it was just an interesting atmosphere and i had a lot of fun like at the phish show.

today i took off from work, slept late, watched television, put my turtle into his pond and layed in my backyard with my dog and turtle and read a book. i am now officially relaxed, hungry, unshowered, and ready to have some fun tonight.

even though life takes some dips, it seems that things really do have a tendency to pick up after a bunch of shittttttty dayz. ya heard?

asuicidalullaby @ 2007-06-16T01:29:00

2007-06-16T05:33:36Z

yay. i have a job. i think. teaching horseback riding lessons at lakewood stables. this is my dream job though so i hope it all pans out and hopefully i "stack the paper" if you know what i mean. i'm glad to be home but i'm not going to lie, i miss the freedom of being in school and i miss albany itself and long beach gets boring fast. i'm really delirious right now; i run on too little sleep and for the first time in about a month i need to wake up early so i'm gonna go sleep now.

if you see him again, tell him that you never wanna see him again

2007-05-13T18:12:44Z

i got punched in the nose for sticking my face in other people's business. that pretty much sums up what happened to me. i don't know what kind of a guy hits a girl in the face, but i encountered him. everything sucks, my nose is swollen and still hurts a lot. i guess in like 2 weeks it will make a really good story, but until then, i'm pretty upset.

at least i'm home in 5 days. my statistics final is on tuesday and i have to just chill out till my parents can get me on friday. so i'd gladly welcome any visitors who might be looking for a day trip or even an overnight???

freshman year in review

2007-05-09T14:56:34Z

wowowowow. i'm getting really sad. i'm so excited to be back home with all my friends for life but i really don't want to leave. just looking out my window right now with my amazing view and big room, my amazing roommate sleeping right over there; i really don't want to leave. i wish i could have a week here of not having work or anything, just to chill with all my friends and say good bye and feel satisfied. it sucks that right when the weather got consistently beautiful is when the workload got the heaviest and i don't get to enjoy it. its so beautiful up here in the country but the city too. i just want to go fly my kite on collins circle and be able to enjoy tulip fest on friday without knowing i have a psychology statistics test the following tuesday. i want to lay out in the hybiscus garden and listen to music and enjoy the scent and the warmth; i want to go sit in the small courtyard that has all the flowers and the small fountain and read; i want to put shorts on and go play in the enormous fountain dammit! i probably won't have time for much of that at all. its so beautiful up here i don't want to leave yet! i love country the air and watching everyone play frisbee outside.

i'm going to miss having a roommate bc altough i like my privacy, i also like always having someone there to talk to or just coexist with. its comforting knowing there is someone else in the room at night and just someone to share everything with. freshman year was so great- of course it wasn't perfect but as an overall experience, i couldn't have asked for much better.

so long freshness, hello sophorama.
peace it.

it would be so indie rock , it's a shame

2007-04-27T00:31:07Z

don't you love bullshit? complete and utter bullshit? i sure do. its so wonderful when people take things, assume things, and blow them far out of porportion. guilty by association??? i was in a room therefore i was resonsible...or even involved? i was drunk in a corner over and above the point where i am not even remotely involved, why should i be feeling immense obligation to someone who has not even treated me that well recently?
________________________________________________

hmm, i wrote that a week ago or something. things have blown over i guess, but still..

cultureshock was banging. i wish girltalk had a stage so he didn't have to share with a million drunk people, but hey. i am in madly in love with gary gilis (sp?).

ummm, what other news. i am in love with my roommate for next year...i was so nervous about going random but it turns out i already knew her. she is so much like me and i have been going out with her basically every weekend.

secretly, i am in the library right now procrastinating writing a bullshit, busy work paper on a bullshit, busy work book that i read in 9th grade. this is college for ya?? but in other bummer news, i have a biology final on thursday and an 8-page paper on thoreau due friday. the most fun part about that paper is that my teacher is so insane that he didn't give us an assignment sheet; he doesn't want us to "confine anything". all of this would be well and good assuming that he gave us a direction for the paper. he just told us write about thoreau in terms of 'a week on the concord and merrimack river' and tie it into olson/cage...what?!?! when i ask him to make it a little clearer, he told me to "go with it"....what does that mean? i don't have anything to go with.

last day of classes is on tuesday and then i have 2 finals and a paper to do. my last test is the 15th but my parents can't get me till the 18th. i'm ready to be done with work but i'm not ready to be home for 3 motherfucking months! well, it will be fun to make a million dollars a week for little work...i hope.

i also got this position volunteering at this horseback riding school working with autistic and disabled people to learn to ride and care for horses. i'm doing it like 4 days a week at awkward times. it all sounds great though because not only do i get to help the people ride but i also get to excersise the horses which breaks down into free riding.

ryan and i have been together for way over a year at this point, leaning in the direction of 2...CRAZY!! 2 years, one person...239849247 headaches later??

zack fishman just offered me adderol. ????????????? no thanks lidofishz. however, i wonder if i would have more stamena towards writing this paper right now? oy vey.

best get going.
love to all the hataazzz<33

hmmmmmMmMmMmMmM

2007-03-20T06:34:31Z

why is it that i get an assignment on a thursday and it is due the upcoming tuesday and i spend days anticipating it and sitting in front of a blank computer screen and then the night before its due im up at 2:30 attempting to start one of the 2 essays on hawthorne. its hard enough to read hawthorne on 3 cups of coffee at 11 a.m. at least i wrote my douglass essay earlier today. hmm. the middle of the semester really seems to be kicking my ass. i'm reading like 3 different books, studying for bio tests, studying for lab practicals, cutting open pig fetuses, trying to learn statistics, writing 3 papers, and doing a huge project due in a week. i'm probably forgetting something in there. i can't wait till this shit is done. im drowning!

i'm coming home in like 2 weeks, maybe less. i'm excited to see people but not to leave albany. i'm excited to be reunited with my puppy and my bfffrzzzz. however, some people have become shitty beyond understanding. my god, i mean how did i ever even consider this person my friend. what a disgusting individual doing such mean things. wow. words can't convey.

um, lori is making me go to 5 nights of bright eyes in concert...enough said.

wowowowow its really time to start that essay. hope everyone is doing well (besides said person, i hope shit sucks for you)

its not the day

2007-02-12T08:06:30Z

frank never posts my secrets. what a douchebag.

rough day today...mad studying to the extreme. big time bio test tomorrow. i never in my life thought i could study for more than 45 minutes let alone 7 hours. However, I, Juliana Grant Steen sat in the UAlbany library for 7 consecutive hours studying and hardly knew how much time had passed. if i don't get at least a B on this test, we know something is up.

kitty tooher: i'm coming back to long beach on monday (for a random february break) and i would like to see your face. (i planned to call you don't worry, this was more of a spur of the moment type thing that i thought i'd put out there)

its surely bed time seeing as my test is in about 6 hours.

whoops, potshot.

2007-01-27T18:05:32Z

there was a fire alarm last night, or should i say this morning at 2 a.m. the one friday i decide to call it an early night and get some rest because the bags under my eyes won't stop getting darker; the one night i was sleeping completely alone, without angie or ryan. i hate being awoken like that and for some bizarre reason it always makes me cry. it usually comes on while i'm racing down 19 flights of stairs trying not to get lost in a dizzy illusion of each staircase blending in to the other 14. but no sobs or anything, just a few anxious, watery tears. it was a good thing they let us in around 3:30 because i was beginning to think i was going to sleep over zack fishman's room! it was a bad thing that my suitemate had her friend here who got innebriated (sp?) and couldnt get out of bed to make it down millions of stairs and it took 4 of us to carry her.

i am in love with my class schedule! monday, wednesday, and friday i am done at 11:20 and tuesday and thursday i have one class from 10:15-11:35 then no class all day and one class from 7:15-8:-35!! this semester is going to be so much better than last. and i love my roommate so damn much that her and i are talking about maybe rooming again next year. i'm just in all around good spirits lately. i can't wait to go visit sam in febuary and see portugal the man in a week or two.

anyway, keep clean and warm.

asuicidalullaby @ 2007-01-22T20:48:00

2007-01-23T02:11:26Z

well i feel one hundred percent better after changing my major and dropping some terrible classes and taking some wonderful ones with professors who make me not want class to be over. on the other hand i feel really confused about other things; things like what is beginning to feel more like home. i never in a million years thought i would ever look at any other place besides long beach and consider it home, yet by the time i came back here i couldn't wait to leave long beach. even though i may not have found my exact niche of people here, i still actually feel happier and more comfortable here than i do at home. the only saving grace for me at home was sam; she is truly the definition of a best friend and even though she may be clinically psychotic or something i still don't know what i'd do without her. she alone made being home not completely miserable and as sad as it is, i'm dreading the next time i have to come home because this past month may have been the worst month out of the past 6. at least when i'm in albany someone is always down to hang out and i have so much indepence and a crew that actually hangs out who i have a really good time with. i don't know, it just feels weird to feel like i don't have much to go home to. maybe i was just a naive douche to think that i was an exception to the rule; that nothing would change because i thought the bonds were too strong. or maybe i'm just too optimistic about things like this because i guess i overestimated certain people.

anyhowwww, i'm about to go hang out with some silly kids and have me a gooooood night.

round and round and round and round and round and round and round

2006-12-27T21:05:12Z

hmm. though it is supposed to be winter break and i am supposed to be spending so much well-needed time with all my friends who i get to see roughly once a month, the person i have seen the most is ryan (ironic or only choice?). i guess everyone is really busy or spending time with their boyfriend/girlfriend. well sam is back today which should make things better. last night was a topper for patheticness. since no one was around or something, i drove around aimlessly for an hour and a half and found myself in front of tbell/pizzahut. i drove through and ate dinner by myself in my car at 11 p.m. listening to the weakerthans feel bad for themselves so i thought it may be apros po that i did the same. i guess maybe i expect too much from others, or maybe i don't give enough of myself so i am really just getting back what i give. hmm.

i had found my elementary school yearbooks while cleaning my room yesterday (for lack of better things to do) and later last night i went onto facebook and looked up the people i remember. it was very fucking weird to see what all these people amounted to. i bet if they were to do the same for me that they would have the same thoughts, but i doubt anyone besides myself would do something as creepy as that.

well like i said, now that sam is home, things should clear up. i guess my thoughts on loosing people were true for the most part, however i guess it is good to know that there are the few who loyally hang around. and for ryan, though he does frustrate me to no end, i don't know what i would do without him.

well semester grades came in and apparently i am not supposed to be a science major. its just not fucking working out and i am so sick of trying to maybe fit a mold of something i can't handle. it sucks that my dad is amazing at science and can understand it all and that to him anything less than science that i do is nothing short of a dissapointment. and apparently trying to explain to my mother that i only barely passed all my classes with the exception of english which i got an A in didn't go so well either. i might be paying for a part of next semester's tuition bc she says she doesn't want to pay anymore. all i tried to do was make them happy by picming an ambitious major but in the end i probably just dissapointed them more. and you know what? i think i have myself brainwashed enough that i almost feel dissapointed in giving up the sciences too but i don't know why because in heart i know i don't want it. i want psychology i want every aspect of psychology becuase it has always been what ultimately fascinates me. i want a PhD in psych and i want to be a successful psychologist with a background in neuroscience because i also like the brain and the nervous system. so fuck everyone who will look down on me for not being a motherfucking lawyer or scientist or doctor bc I CANT FUCKING SUCCEED AT IT.

good fucking day.

asuicidalullaby @ 2006-12-11T22:30:00

2006-12-12T03:30:53Z

i have come to accept the fact that i do not think it will snow before i leave for long beach. it always threatens and then never follows through. i feel like i have lost touch with so much of what used to be my security blanket. my roommate is making out with this guy on her bed and i am trying to pretend that my headphones are loud enough to block it out. i'm paranoid she will read over my shoulder one day and i'll feel like an ass because most of the time i love her. i would leave its just that i have no where else to go right now.

ryan thought it would be a nice idea to get me more fish- a betta fish. in theory it was thoughtful but it would have been much more appreciated if i hadn't already had 2 fish. he got himself one also but sergey and dan arrigo wanted to make them fight so i had to save them and now somehow i have 4 fish, 2 of which are in separate bowls (hence the bettas). HOW DAMN IRONIC.

mary poppins was on tv before and i really wanted to watch it but my roommate was studying or making out and i just told her i would turn it off. did you know that michael banks (little brother) died at the age of 21 from a possibly drug-related contraction of hepatitis??

tomorrow is the last day of classes for the semester. crazy. i come home the 19th so be ready. keturah said when she is done working on her sociology project she will read my tarot cards. i'm psyched becuase i've never had them read.

ok, im gonna go do something. like watch the second showing of mary poppins!

show me whatcha got.

2006-12-05T15:02:07Z

so i woke up this morning to the first flurry on the ground. well it was more of a sprinkling at about 8:57 a.m. but sadly now there is nothing more than a mere trace and a lost and confused snowflake drifting past my window. oh well. i meant to go to empire plaza for a tree lighting ceremony and the opening of the ice skating rink, but it was cold so i chose warmth for some reason i can only barely remember now.

in other eventful news of my life, ryan and i recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary (i should probably learn how to spell that if i'm going to talk about it). for some reason it just sort of passed without warning and ended before it began. maybe its because we both wished we were home so wecould do something more meaningful.

while in the pet store the other day, for some reason i thought it a fabulous idea to buy one of those algae eaters for my fish tank because it was getting a little shabby but it is so ugly and gross looking that i have nightmares about it jumping out of the tank and sucking on my cheek.

well i should be going now because i have a psych test really soon.

i'm dying to tell you i'm dying.

2006-10-31T18:35:48Z

here i am. mid-semester. whats good? i'm doing mediocre in my classes, whatevvv, its first semester freshmen year and we all know i'm not an academic scholar. i'm not lowering my goals yet, but i'm thinking realisticly and saying i don't think i'll be able to get into med school. i mean i kinda always knew it and ignored it, but hey, if on some wing and prayer i get in, i'll hope on that. i mean i'm going to stay on the pre-med track as a pre-med major and all, but otherwise i'll defintiely go for a PhD and i'll do something with psychology or neuropsychology, but i'm not so sure about that M.D.

ryan and i just celebrated 11 months. gasp. its weird to look back on old entries where i said things wrote things about one and three months and things and yeah, its still going and going rather well.

i'm loving college more than ever, i'm just missing my friends everyday still. albany is amazing, its so beautiful and countrified in the fall. I can look out my window and see treetops with beautiful colors everywhere. at night, you can really see the city with the lights shininig and blinking. it seems like whenever i feel like i've exhausted albany, i find a new place to explore. whoever said campus was ugly was on crack, i love my campus to death; i love the modern architecture and the non-confusing layout. i love my tower and my dorm the most. i love working for the radio station and knowing that i'll be getting into mad free shows. i'll probably be able to get my own show next semester. i don't like a good portion of the people here, but i think i've found some of the best ones. i love my roommate to death; she is so funny and wonderful and different but i think it is great to be exposed to people like her. my suite is great with the exception of one room. bitches get stitches, nahimsayin? i love that i've been hanging out with those girls on the weekends and stuff.

today is halloween and i don't have a costume yet becasue i'm a bff (big fat fag >:o) buttt i have been invited to join team zissou as an unnpaid intern so we'll see.there is an ill party apparently at my friend's friend's apartment. word.

stay good everyone, i miss you with my heart and soul.

love,
jules

what i wouldn't give to sleep in your bed

2006-10-16T04:23:47Z

how sweet it would be to be in december with the frosted streets of long beach under my shoes.
i'm lucky, i'm just confused.
i wish i could just take a step back and enjoy, i'm lucky, really i am.
both my fish are still alive so i guess i'm doing something ok.
i think ryan's roommate, steve, is my best friend here. who would have guess that little stevie concordia from staten island would have turned out to be best friend '07????
i apparently missed the flava flav party my roommate threw in my room.
i hope no one sexually abused my fish while i was gone. hmm.
mopsy (my new baby puppy) is wonderful and apparently flips his little bed upside down and crawls under it and walks around so it looks like there is a floating bed with little cottony legs moving around.
i'm coming home this weekend to see katherine marie leonetti and to show my friends lynne and amanda around. who is up for kings park on saturday?
i hear that fish with lazy eyes are good luck- i told you i was lucky.
so this weekend, my suitemates who hate me both simultaneously had their boyfriends stay for the weekend. yesterday morning one of them got into the shower with her boyfriend and was in there for an hour and 20 minutes. i had to shower right after she got out bc i was needing to be somewhere in an hour and when i opened the shower curtain there was a packet of personal lubricant on the ledge. i have a motherfucking bone to pick.
i have grown to love my roommate.

beds fo life.

go deelishis!
fuck new york!

i'm about to bitch.

2006-09-17T02:39:52Z

i miss my friends so fucking much it hurts. seeing all these pictures from you Purchase kids is breaking my heart. i just want everyone to be together again because i feel empty and lonely without you guys. i miss sam and katherine more than life, and even AM! (jk). i miss long beach air and long beach streets and fucking all of it. i miss my house and my family and my bed and i hate the fucking fact that Gizmo is dead. it doesn't even sound real. i don't think i realized it yet or remotely processed it but maybe when i go home and the house smells a little less and there is an empty fucking spot where his bed used to be i'll realize i didn't even get to pet him before i left for college. i feel like i'll still walk through the door and call his name, merely forgetting and denying the fact he is fucking dead.

fuck 'danes after dark'. the one fucking night i decide to stay in and catch up on some alone time, the music is so goddamn loud that the bass is pulsating through my walls and consequently vibrating my computer desk and computer. i know that this is just my horrible mood talking, but i fucking hate some aspects of college. mainly the fact that everyone here is more or less the same, and not in a good way. my suitemate's friends drove to visit her today (like good friends do from time to time, ehemm) and they're all in the hallway and bathroom making lots of noise and fumbling over makeup and hair that is inevitably going to get ruined. the girls get dressed up all nice and slutty and wear painfully high heels and wait on the bus stop in hoards of people and walk stiffly down the streets to whatever party or bar is the destination of the night. fuck this lifestyle and fuck the girl who just opened my door without knocking to use my mirror.

the one thing i was finally able to verbalize about college is that there is basically no alone time. i'm always with someone who has decided to accompany me with whatever i am doing and then when i finally make it back to my room, my roommate is there talking and laughing and trying to get me to do the same. when i finally find the 3 fucking hours of alone time, the dj at the campus center has to break everyone's eardrums and leave me miserable.

one of my suitemates is a total asshole and her idiot meat head friend kind of broke ryan's balls, so i just un-propped his suite door and now i hear him cursing about being locked out. hmm, i guess shit happens.

yesterday i had a very drunk person explain to me that since i'm a girl i don't need to bring money when i go to the bars, but then told ryan that he needs to have at least $40 if he wants to bring anything home. i suppose, maybe i should be taking advantage of the fact i can theoretically be getting drunk for free. hmm.

oh god, i think this is my cue, i just heard the girls yell that they had to all conveine (sp?) in the hallway to take good facebook pictures. i should probably get down on that.

I MISS EVERYONE. COME LIVE IN ALBANY WITH ME.

a horse is a horse of course of course

2006-09-10T06:12:28Z

wow. so this is fucking college. i think i'm in love. my dormroom is fucking HUGE. it looks like the cheesy dorms you see in pictures and you think to yourself that no dorm ever looks like that in real life; well mine does. albany is amazing beyond words. i would love to say the people are all amazing beyond words, but that would be far from the truth. i would say a good 65-75% of the student body is made up of longuylanders (not to exclude myself from that fraction but i was hoping for some fresh diversity). in my floor meeting last night, we had to do lame introduction games, etc. we had to say something about ourselves that no one here knew and about 5 of the meat-headiest guys said that what we didn't know was that they like, love, live for every sport ever.

its funny bc now i'm writing from the perspective of a few days later bc the top part saved to autodraft or whatever. i still feel the same wat about most of the people. right now from my room i can see and hear the first football game. i think a good percentage of the campus is down there. eh, i would have checked it out but it was raining a lot before. i still love this place beyond words, i'm just feeling a little homesick right now. i miss my friends and the beach and everything high school was about.

this is the first official weekend i guess you could say, and even though classes started this past tuesday, everyone has been going to the bars and "getting sloshed" since last friday when we all got here. i haven't gone to the bars yet and i've only 'partied' 3 times so far. last night felt so weird. it felt really weird to be on a packed bus heading downtown with the epitome of everything college is depicted as in movies; tons of people dressed up to go to bars and clubs and to drink to oblivion. i was with my friends amanda and lynne marie and it is safe to say we were not headed to any bar. we were going to amanda's friend's apartment near Sage College. i guess it was my first college party and it just felt awkward i guess.

now i report to you from even another few days later. i should be in my chemistry class right now, but one thing led to another and i'm somehow still in my room. its gray and rainy and no one is having a good day so far. apparently, here, the weekends start on thursday, or maybe that is just general college etiquite and no one told me. its one of my suitemate's birthdays on thursday and i promised them i would go to "sneeky pete's" - coincidentally enough, thursday nights are wet t-shirt nights. hmmm.

i feel very ready to be going home for rosh hashanah. sometimes i feel overwhelmed here, but other times i feel happier than words. since i'm not in chemistry, i might as well take this opurtunity to finish the reading for my next class.

i promise i'll update more.
love,
jules

asuicidalullaby @ 2006-08-31T22:42:00

2006-09-01T04:42:05Z

everyone else did it right? so i should be fine right? everyone else said this time tomorrow i'm going to be at college, but now that its me, it feels different (no shit). i'm going with really good circumstances though. i mean, my boyfriend is just 10 floors below me, i have 2 family friends going and taking the same classes, i have been to the city and campus numerous times, i already have a good friend who fucking lives there.

lets do this already. wish me luck.

love always,
jules.

your music breaks my eardrums

2006-07-23T05:40:17Z

so i hardly know how long it has been since i have updated which saddens me in its own right. so many things have happened and haven't happened. i had orientation and needless to say had an amazing amazing time. i met a best friend 06 named amanda. she lives in albany and she and i are pretty much the same person. orientation overnight felt like amazing camp all over again. i met this kid matt from oceanside and he seemed really cool and we made a million promises to hang out but of course nothing ever came of it.

ryan and i are still doing well. its so ridiculous in retrospect to hear things now that would have driven me up a wall 3 months ago. for instance this asshole girl he once kissed months before he and i even began and proceeded to cause some problems over the year, is still pathetically making up rumors about him "fucking her" while we were going out. she's at fucking sleep away camp and is so amazingly pathetic that she needs to lie about boy from september? it comes to a point where i almost feel bad for her that she would have no other life than to fabricate things involving me and my life.

i saw some really great shows in this interim. i saw cursive, make believe, teenage bottlerocket, the weakerthans. i got a laptop(from which i am currently updating). i got my first summer paycheck(!). hah i almost forgot that i also graduated and turned 18 in this past month and a half. i can now buy phillies and porn and lotto tickets unincumbered. my birthday was reallllly nice. my family and ryan went out to this fancy restaurant called the Gatsby; the entire atmosphere was modeled after the book. it was in a restored mansion on the island and had different dining rooms named after the characters. then we came home and everyone came over and slept over and it was just realllllly nice. to follow up the festivities, i think we're going camping in august.

in addition to camping and signing up to work an extra 9th week of camp, ryan and i are goign to take a road trip to albany for an overnight and to hang out with amanda and explore the city!

i'm as tired as ever and my butt is slowly going numb anyhow, so i'll say good night- who knows when you'll hear from me again

happy birthday brian!

hanging 'round downtown by myself.

2006-05-27T16:30:03Z

so its been a really long while since i've updated.
4 day weekend now.
yesterday, amazing beyond words.
i'll take it back to thursday night at kitty's and then sleep over at sams with kat ris-minus-am. i'll take it.
woke up to maris and cosmo and spooning trains. too long to get ready and over to kat's house to waste senior cut day smoking pot and watching dinosaurs. amazing by all means. i stayed in at night with ryan and my parents went into manhattan to a cafe and consequently left me the van. i was ultra bad-ass.

today is fabulous out and all i really wanna do is drive around with kitty. hmm.
tonight the ergs are playing in some church with some other bands and it costs $5 so i said i would go. kyle best be coming with me.

ok shower time.

good that won't come out

2006-05-11T03:41:11Z

i just started feeling really weird thinking about next summer.
i am thinking about whether or not things will be awkward with certain people who i now regard as some of my closest or best friends.
i wonder if after a year away from these people i'll keep in enough touch to have everything be amazing when we come home for breaks.
but i'm trying to think about how it will be different in the sense that when i come home am i going to be missing school and school friends or will i spend most of the year missing my home friends and feeling like i never want to go back to school and school friends?
i don't know what sort of mental mind frame i'm supposed to be in.
wait, less than 4 months now? wowowowowowow. i get really nauseas thinking about it. i really don't feel ready yet. suprise, i guess mrs. baron lied again when she said by now i would be itching to get out and would be more than ready...i'm starting to think this woman talks out of her ass (hmm...).

while on facebook i was searching to see if there were any good groups i should join and try to make contact with fellow Albany folk. while searching, most of the groups had this jist: beer pong, albany pre-games harder than you party, will work for blunts, join the few students who don't smoke weed, etc. i again, felt really nauseas. (i think i'm spelling nauseas wrong)

i have a lot more on my mind but for some reason, this is all that came out.
and i dyed my hair black again. because im goth. and only wear dark clothes with symbols i don't understand on them.

<3jules

if its more, than it means less

2006-04-23T14:43:53Z

so here i stand on the other side of spring break. i can't recap for you because it would be too long and obnoxious and wouldn't prove anything. i spent a lot- maybe too much time - in the west end. the only thing that could possibly mean is 40s and pot. i became closer with ryan's friends and maybe now i can consider them my friends too(?) i didn't spend enough (or maybe any?) 1-on-1 time with kyle and that's never good news. i hardly saw sam at all. i saw kitty which was really good; i hope this summer is similar to last summer. i saw brian a lot which is good.

my brother called asking me if i had any joints --> not beast.

i got back from albany last night. friday morning i went and got breakfast with the uellendahls and then they took us to the greyhound. ryan, ethan, and i. it was a 5 hour ride and it ended up not being as bad as it sounds. ryan's cousin met us at the albany terminal and took us for a 2 hour tour around albany. to say the least, i loved it. i absolutely adored everything about it. the city is perfect; picture the entire city just being downtown manhattan/downtown brooklyn. it was great. we went back to their house and met their adorable kids. we went out to dinner and ryan bought garden state and pet semetary. we came back and they put me and ryan in very different rooms and we were both scared. i couldn't sleep because there were scary noises and empty rocking chairs so i went down and stayed in ryan's room and set an alarm for 5:30 to go back upstairs.

the next morning my parents met us at 9 and we went to campus. i loved it as well. our dorms are supposedly too enormous to show during walking tours because that's not what non-projren students get. represent.

the campus isn't depressing and concrete- its quite the contrary. the main buildings are all connected in one big plaza designed with a modern architecture feel to it. it has fountains and trees and flowers and greenery everywhere with biking/jogging/walking paths all over. the classrooms are all new and modern and wireless. i couldn't say enough amazing things about it. i just straight up loved it.

i wish i hadn't forgotten to take pictures :(
today i am going to see a movie at the malverne theater with ryan - assuming things go as planned (ehemm).

i hope eveyrone had a good vaycay and that kat had fun in europe and made out with neil and/or rory. the end.

asuicidalullaby @ 2006-04-11T22:47:00

2006-04-12T02:44:35Z

Juliana Steen
SUPA ETS 142
Subjectivity and Ideology

Kafka’s short story, “Before the Law” illustrates how a subject affects self and self perception. In this short parable, there is a countryman who wishes to gain admittance to the Law. However, standing in the way of the countryman and the open doors to the Law is a doorkeeper. This door keeper merely informs the countryman that he may not enter the Law. He does say that the man may still enter despite his veto, but to be warned that he is strong and powerful and he will be the smallest force to reckon with, seeing as there are many other gates guarded by doorkeepers bigger than he. The man decides to wait by the gates in the hopes that one day when he begs acceptance he will be granted permission to enter. He spends the rest of his life waiting outside the gates and tries many tactics to sway the guard. In his last days he asks the doorkeeper his final question: “Everyone strives to reach the law,” says the man, “so how does is happen that for all these many years no one but myself has ever begged for admittance?” The doorkeeper responds that the gate only existed for the man and that no one else could have ever entered and now that the man is dying, the gatekeeper is going to shut the gate.
The moral of Kafka’s story is simply put; a person is limited by their own limitations. The Law is initially sought as an obstacle placed in the countryman’s way by an objective, or outside, source. By the end of the excerpt it is stated that the Law only existed for this man; this being the case, we can see that the man has created his own obstacles, hence he restricts himself.
The foundation of this story is really based around manifestations. The Law is a manifestation of the man’s mind; the gatekeeper is a manifestation of the man’s mind; the fear that the Law transcends is, as well, a manifestation of the man’s mind. Though the Law itself can be said not to be the obstacle and that the doorman is the literal obstacle, the doorman presents the main issue of being restricted from entering. The Law itself represents a powerful desire; the Law is to be desired, therefore dictating the man’s actions and impressing his “self”. The man’s need for acceptance to the Law and his desired gratification is a restriction he placed upon himself; the true obstacle is that the subject is most limited in the manifestations created by itself (the self or subject). The Law represents a greater structure that is indirectly preventing him from achieving what he believes he can achieve.
In a sense, the man could represent the “cultural subject” seeing as he feels he must obey the doorman– which represents the Law. Since he cannot walk through the barrier gate even though it is wide open, he demonstrates how vulnerable he is and how influential the Law is. He has a weakness of self that causes him to remain kept down by nothing more than a mere threat in words; a probability of what may or may not even be a consequence of his desired action (to walk in and live inside the Law).
The countryman expends his life attempting to be admitted in to the Law and yet he never achieves this goal. The man is never safe from the influence of the Law. He dedicates his life to admittance to the Law, thus proving the impact is has on him. The Law represents the society and the desire to be accepted into some structure, such as a clique.

dream baby dream

2006-04-11T23:07:55Z

so, fun things and not so fun things.
fun things include sam's shitfest '06
not fun things include horrible report cards and mrs. ~~maltese~~hartman
things were rocky but now are really good.
tomorrow is the last day of school before spring break. um, holla?
i found a prom dress and got my car back, so i suppose those are very good things.
on friday, the 21st ryan and i are taking the train up to albany and are staying with his cousins. the following morning is the albany open house and i'll meet my parents there and we will tour. the next day is the drexel open house in phillayyy.
um, i need new kicks and i want nikes (preferably dunxxxx).

i'm having a moment right now; i'm rushing to finish the last paper i'll ever have to write in high school. hmmmm.

FUCK PAPERS THAT INDUCE PRETENTIOUS INTELLECTUAL MASTERBATION. FUCK KAFKA.

payceee.